So you're entering the world of work, eh? Inadvertently, chances are you'll be working for someone else, doing reception/retail/manual work for pretty much a fuck-all wage. You'll get HMRC unlawfully taking your money through PAYE, which you then have to ring them up to get them to put it back into your account; you'll get your superiors trying to bend you over at any possibility; you'll get them straining you and your rights if they can; they'll lecture on about quotas and backwards policies; they'll fuck up; your hours will probably clash with things that you want to do; you'll fuck up because you're so fucking bored, and the relatively measly paycheck at the end of it won't seem worth it. So what's my best advice?
Go work for yourself. It's a big world out there with lots of things that need to be done. You'll enjoy it more, you'll learn how to live a good life and you won't have to deal with the bureaucracy of a large corporation. Your voice'll get heard, your bank account will get full and you'll work the hours you want.
For the rest of you mugs, this is how you get your foot in the door.
Application for a job
Firstly, get a CV. Get your parents to read over it. Look up on Youtube on how to write it, and modify it EACH TIME you apply for a different job. Not only should it be relevant to the job you're applying for but it should be only relevant (apart from sections like employment history, grades etc).
Don't call your CV 'CV', leave it nameless. Have your name at the top, your contact details and paperclip a small passport-sized photo of you to it. Your CV is about you; your covering letter is about your prospective job. It's a full on letter, so if you don't know how to write a letter, look that shit up. Address it to the 'recruitment officer', say that you're applying for this certain vacancy, you're able to do these hours, you're not a fan of morning shifts, you're really a Nazi that's there to crucify the other employees etc.. Sign it with 'faithfully'. Fold it up with your CV, put it in an envelope, write 'to the recruitment officer' and the company address on the front and either send it via post or hand it in at the reception/counter of the business.
Here's how to not fuck up an interview.
Interviews
First things first, interviewers aren't looking to turn you away. You're both sitting in that room because he/she wants to hire you and you want to be hired. Chances are you're more qualified/useful than they need, so don't think you're wrong if you get rejected etc.. Business and HR is cutthroat, and chances are you won't be hired, or even told you've been rejected. Shit happens. Re-apply. If you can't make your interview, tell them well in advance and sort out another day to do it. Turn up ten minutes before they ask, looking casual/formal (shirt/tie, nice jeans and some semi-classy shoes, a classy bag and a book, paperwork and anything else you'll need in your bag) if it's retail/IT/anything else which probably pays a shit wage, or business/formal (2 piece suit, bag, book) if it's actually a good job. When they ask you to sit down and wait, get your non-fiction/classic literature book out and read. Nothing worse than some shivering arsehole sitting there thinking he's about to get ripped to shreds. When you meet your interviewer, look at his face, say hi, smile and shake his hand. If you are asked any questions that you don't want to answer, say that you would prefer not to answer. Don't be pushed into a corner by your interviewer, they don't want someone that can't handle your average cunt. There's a lot of cunts in business. Ask important questions as well, like HOW MUCH YOU'RE GOING TO BE PAID (so many people just don't ask?), hours, training etc.. After you're both done, say goodbye, thanks for the conversation and shake his hand with a smile. Walk out with your head held high like you've just had great sex.
First day/training
The quicker you sort out the paperwork, the better. Try not to be late to your first day. Meet your superiors, a quick hi will do, get given a job/buddied up to someone/start your training. Then, as soon as you have time to talk to someone who isn't your superior, learn as much as you possibly can from them. The cleaners are great for this because they know exactly what goes on but they're normally entirely out of workplace politics. Learn the business and the people inside it to the best of your ability. Learn who you can piss off, learn who will fuck you hard, learn the arseholes and the genii. Learn the accounts and quotas if you can and learn the company's way of doing things. That way, if someone tries to fuck with you, which will inadvertently happen during your time in company politics, you can either outmaneuver them, call their bluff or force them to back off. It also means if you ever want to move up the ranks, you've already learnt how you can improve the company.
Also, never shit on your inferiors or your equals to gain a superior's favor.
In contrast, feel free to stick up for an inferior/equal if he/she starts to get shat on, seeing as not only will that person like you but everyone on your level and below will realise that you can be trusted and relied on.
You and your job
As a general rule, unless it involves you directly, there's no need to get involved with workplace politics. There's also no need to excel at your job or participate in rat races because you'll disenfranchise your coworkers. As a worker, to have leverage you need to have a network of support if you want to do anything fancy. Any schemes that your superiors have put in place to 'motivate you' are complete bullshit. They're made to turn working in harmony with your coworkers into a rat race, in which the superiors are the real winners. Do the paperwork, know your rights and always read the small print. Learn commercial law, learn customer's rights.
Well, now that that's been said, good fucking luck out there. Most of the things I've said about politics in the workplace you'll already of realised by the time you've had a couple of jobs so learn it now and live a much better life.
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